Emotions & Feelings

How do I address my son's extreme shyness around people?

Jeel al-Khilafah
Emotions & Feelings

The question

I have a consultation that every time I bring it up someone thinks I'm exaggerating. My son is four years old. He has severe fear of people and is very shy. He cannot express himself or ask for what he wants from me. He doesn't speak on the phone with his father. He is shy to respond, and if I ask him how he is, he doesn't answer — he answers only rarely after we tell him to say "alhamdulillah."

This problem pains me. Masha Allah, he is good and listens. He loves order and the Qur'an and has beautiful qualities. But this one trait hurts my heart. I fear he will be affected negatively by people, especially since he is affected if anyone shouts in his face and gets very frightened.

I enrolled him in an online Qur'an memorization group with a teacher and children, and he records his voice reading — but with severe shyness and quickly, after I encourage him.

Our answer

Some children are shy at this age and don't express what they want. The treatment for that is measured and gradual. Teach him to ask for what he needs and to express what's on his mind when he needs to.

As for shyness, gradually involve him in activities with peers or with various families, daily. Encourage him and reinforce that in him through reading stories. Praise him and strengthen his resolve. When he tries and is discouraged, tell him that this happens but he must continue and not be shy, and that he has to insist on progress and on trying. You can have him blow up a balloon and encourage him to pop it, and show him that it only frightened him a little, but nothing different happened to him. You can tell him stories of the courage of the Prophet ﷺ and the Companions and their stances when they were young. With repetition, his state will improve, by Allah's leave. Seek help from Allah and rely on Him.

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