The question
I'm a mother of a girl and a boy, alhamdulillah. My daughter is three and my son was just born — he's three days old.
Throughout my pregnancy I shared every detail and preparation with her, and I prepared her so she would accept the situation. But I was surprised by her behaviour when I returned home. She refused to see him or touch him, and runs away when she hears his voice or when I nurse him. How do I handle her? Is this normal behaviour?
Our answer
Don't worry — may Allah ennoble you. Always, to be content, lower your ceiling of expectations of others, beginning with our children. They need from us the least possible expectation — or sometimes the worst — so that we can understand their reactions.
The little one is in a difficult place: she is sharing with a brother who will draw others' attention to him and away from her, so she feels jealousy.
What may help her: tell her a story about a brother, but in a way that doesn't make her feel it's about her. Like the story of a duckling and its sister, or a rabbit, and so on.
Also, share time with her at different moments to accomplish something specific: cooking, a paper activity, playing in a different way. And it should be exclusive, without the baby in your arms.
Pat her gently and say: I know how you feel, and I feel for you. It is a hard feeling that you share your brother with the times you used to have. But one day he will be a help to you, and you will be glad to play with him when he's older, and to teach him what's beneficial.
And don't forget to vary the tarbawi approaches you take on this matter.
May Allah aid you — this increases our patience and our attachment to Allah.
I advise you to read the Toddler's Guide for age two; in it are different steps for jealousy that will help you, by Allah's leave.
There are also books by an author named Abdullah Muhammad Abdul-Mu'ti on jealousy between siblings. You'll find him in the Jeel library — perhaps he will benefit you in this matter.
May Allah grant you success and delight your eyes with them.
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