The question
My son is two and a half, and his jealousy of his infant sister sometimes reaches the point of hitting her. What's the solution?
Our answer
Jealousy is a natural feeling among brothers and sisters.
One form of jealousy in a child (with his sibling still in the mother's womb) appears through his reactions: more attachment to the mother, or withdrawal from her, or from any party he sees connected to the child and showing them interest, or with whom he had a bond and now feels threatened.
It's possible to lessen and absorb some manifestations of jealousy, though it isn't natural to suppress it completely. Among the steps that begin during pregnancy:
- Talk with the child about the positives of the brother or sister and how he can enjoy this side.
- Involve the older one in buying needs for the younger (within reason), and assign him tasks to help the mother carry the responsibility of the newborn (attention within reasonable limits, with care for the characteristics of the newborn and the nature of the older brother — gentleness in handling, how to carry, gradually directing him to responsibility, not all tasks at once).
- At birth (depending on the older one's age and awareness), bring him an attractive gift so it eases him and he is occupied with the pleasure of the gift.
- Don't let the mother show complaints about the newborn, even during pregnancy.
- During the times you spend with the newborn (his provision, and a right upon you) — embracing or playing — initiate by drawing the older one's attention to memories you had with him. If there are videos or photos, they greatly soothe and bring joy to the older one's heart.
- From time to time, affirm love.
- Give him his own time from time to time, depending on circumstances that sometimes take you away from the older one by being occupied with the younger, or to make up for any neglect or mistakes the parents may make from unintentional comparisons, obvious favoritism, and other situations that stir up jealousy.
- It's very useful to have a routine with the older one that allows the mother to remember her duties to him — story-time, play-time, weekend make-up time or some during the day, and a little "spoiling" is not a problem.
Keep in mind some warnings:
- Don't compare; and if you err, try to correct it. Try to be just, and don't let your preference for one personality type affect your treatment (there is injustice in that).
- Sometimes parents have criteria by which they like to distinguish their children. Be careful that those criteria are not at the expense of justice and fairness in treatment.
- Don't forget, as much as you can: a hug, a pat, closeness, a kiss. Even with the busyness — one strong hug shows him it makes up for what was missed.
- It's lovely, when the older one is aware, to have open dialogues, with a safe limit, listening more than arguing (don't bring counter-arguments unless what the older one feels needs clarification), and detailed clarification, giving the older brother a chance to share solutions or give his opinion.
- There are moments (of revenge or jealousy) like hitting or sudden movements (unimaginable) from the older one. The mother should try, as much as possible, to keep the little one safe by monitoring one or the other to some extent, and also by embracing the older (whether from the mother, father, or sibling).
- Try to ease the younger one without showing temper or harmful reactions that increase the older one's resentment with jealousy, or withdrawal and a tired psyche.
- Among ways of embracing: a hug, or shifting his pursuit to another pursuit the mother knows he prefers, or explaining to the older one and appealing to him about the extent of pain in his action.
- Overlooking behaviours that may increase in this period and are unacceptable, like spitting or quarreling or words that lessen the parents' standing — while paying attention to firmly holding him to other situations to limit these manifestations if they continue, according to the older one's age.
- Among positive steps: involving him with his peers in various activities, and making times to accomplish tasks that strengthen his skills and refine his interests.
- Perhaps the best thing we treat jealousy with is sharing the feeling of love, and the responsibility of the older brother whom the mother trusts and the father relies upon to do his duties. Over time, these feelings will grow with him and the two will become the best of friends.
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