The question
You said in a post on how to make your daughter a righteous wife: if she has older brothers, she must show respect to them.
Is there a difference between respect for older sisters and older brothers? If a girl has an older sister and an older brother, does the respect owed the older sister differ from that owed the older brother?
And what about the girl's serving her brother at home?
(Get me food, wash my clothes, iron my shirt, organize my closet, etc.)
How should this be without going to extremes? What is the moderation in this?
Is what we were raised on — where the girl serves her brother at home and does everything — the right way, or should the boy also serve himself?
I have two girls and two boys, and I have no brother, and my husband has no sister, so we have no idea about this. And what counts as wronging the girls? I was a feminist before, but by Allah's grace and following some du'at, the mistake of what I was on became clear to me. Now I don't know how the brother-sister relationship should be.
Our answer
May Allah preserve you and bless you. Respect for elders is required in general, but the matter is somewhat different in the case of a brother versus a sister. In the absence of the father, the brother takes on the role of qawwam and guardian, so the girl must comply with what he says according to what is good, not go out except with his permission, not pursue something he has refused, and so on.
Of course there are limits. The brother remains different in standing from the father and the husband; his rights are less than theirs upon the girl. But training in respect, appreciation, and obedience is important for the girl's married life later.
At this point, the parents must be alert to the behaviour of male children toward their sisters, so that this does not turn into domination and tyranny in matters where they have no right. Otherwise the girl falls between two options: being wronged, or rebelling — and neither trait should we settle into her: contentment with injustice, or the habituation of rebellion.
As for the second matter, this requires balance and the protection of rights from the start. The son who lords over his sister by imposing his service upon her with arrogance is not to be indulged. He should be made to understand that his needs are things he can attend to himself, and what is hard for him or requires help, he asks for with politeness, taqwa, and ihsan. This is his first lesson in good companionship, since one day he will be a husband and a qawwam. Let him learn to understand the styles of address, which are the keys to hearts. Often the sisters help the mother in all her tasks, including those that fall within the brothers' sphere — but there remains a private space that is better left to the son, because that builds self-reliance in him, and this is among the ways of forming men.
I advise you: gather your children upon dutifulness and love among themselves. As you urge your daughter to help her brother, urge her brother to carry something for his sister. In this way you build affection, mercy, intimacy, and complementarity, and rid yourselves of the estrangement that forms in families today. Try to sit with them in gatherings that build love, mutual support, and the strength of "the strength of family ties."
Another note: get your son used to doing men's work — buying from the market, fixing something, tending the garden, lifting heavy things, washing the car, and so on. Let him handle these tasks; don't send your daughter to do them. Assign him duties that lessen the burden on the girls, so they feel their brother has a role in the home. If the daughter is washing the dishes, her brother is bringing what's needed from the market or taking out the trash, may Allah ennoble you. Each one to his post. There is also a space for age: a son ten and above should learn to tidy his room himself and look after his own private matters, except for cleaning tasks that need help — like wiping the floor or washing clothes, which are usually collective, so there is no harm in his sisters helping. As for the younger one, it is better that he receive help and be directed to another task suited to his age, by which the family members complement one another.
May Allah preserve you all, delight your eyes with your offspring, and raise your station in this world and the next.
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