The question
My child is one year and ten months. May Allah help me — I discovered that I have wronged him greatly in his upbringing. From a young age, I would yell at him for his behaviour, scream at him, and hit him, out of ignorance from me and the many pressures, and I am temperamental — may Allah help me. I see the child has gotten out of control and I don't know how to deal with him. He is very angry and stubborn. If he wants something and you don't give it to him, he starts screaming and crying. If you carry him to calm him down, he hits you, pulls my hair, and throws himself on the floor. He also tires me during sleep. This state he has reached is because of my way of dealing with him. I want guidance for how to deal with him, may Allah reward you with good.
Our answer
May Allah preserve you and bless you. The time has come for you to stop your angry, raging way of interacting with your little one. Don't ruin his upbringing with reactive engagement that does not build the child's character but tears it down.
Begin by stopping the anger and hitting, and respond with patience and calm to your son's behaviour.
Do not meet his screaming with screaming, nor his violence with violence — rather with embracing and calm.
Your son has now absorbed your styles of interaction; he is a copy of you when he gets reactive and imitates you in his way. So coming out of this wrong direction will not happen without you correcting your own way of dealing with him.
My advice to you: begin a tarbawi program for your little one in which he spends his energy and attention. Provide him with educational materials and games suited to his age. Begin by downloading the educational cards we've published with the two-year-old curriculum. Begin teaching him repetition and reading. Even if he doesn't speak yet, no problem — he memorizes the image and the name and remembers it. You can pose interactive questions to him: what is this? Is this such-and-such?
Get your child used to a daily routine. For example, begin your day by feeding him and saying the adhkar with him, cleaning him, and teaching him what he is eating, what its name is, and the names of things around us. Make your speech to him instructive and engaged with him, for part of his temper may be his feeling that you are pregnant — and this is a kind of jealousy that comes out as temper. Your attention to him will lessen it, by Allah's leave.
It's better that the child's father take his place in the process of correcting your little one's behaviour. For example, he sits with him and speaks to him as if he were a little man — calmly, with respect, and with praise for his good behaviour. It's nice if he tells him stories in a way he understands that carry tarbawi meanings, like courage, calm, patience, and noble character.
When he falls into bad behaviour, let us tell him calmly: no, this is wrong, and we explain to him calmly, without screaming or agitation. This, with persistence, will make him feel a difference and learn better.
Occupy your little one with what benefits him: coloring on coloring books, ideas for tarbawi games with him. Learn from him what he likes and dislikes so you can guide him as best you can.
You can get your little one used to self-reliance. For example, designate a quarter hour a day for him to play alone with his own toys. At his age, there's no need to carry him. Treat him as a little man by asking his help in easy matters: give me the pillow, come let's put these things in their place, let's prepare a surprise for Baba. Try to let your little one experience the meanings of life through your interactions with him that raise him and teach him indirectly.
Watch his diet, what he sees, and who influences him.
Make ruqyah for him every day and ask Allah to make him blessed and an imam of the God-fearing.
Read the educational and tarbawi guide for mothers, or follow the Mothers of Jeel al-Khilafah channel for more benefit. May Allah grant you success and open the way for you and delight your eyes.
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